


Dinnerpocalypse

by brokenhighways



Series: Dear No. 26 [7]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bad Cooking, Dinner, Dinner Parties, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-09 04:30:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10403970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: Jared and Jensen have their first proper dinner party and things go terribly wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Totally inspired by Kitchen Nightmares and the fact that I was about to mark this verse as complete before something stopped me. 
> 
> This should have another part and that should be up by the end of the week.

Jared to Jensen 

Did you get my text?

Jensen to Jared

Which one? "I'm bored", "Do cows think in English or cownese?" or "Tonight's the night!"

Jared to Jensen

The last one. And stop trying to text-shame me. We've already established that I'm completely shameless. 

Jensen to Jared 

No arguments here. Tonight's the night for what?

Jared to Jensen 

Our first proper, Sandy-free dinner party. Your mom helped me with the recipes and all we have to do is...Make everything. 

Jensen to Jared 

It's just our stupid friends, do we really need to go to such an effort. 

Jared to Jensen 

…oh dear. I take it that you still haven't resynchronized your phone? You invited that new client of yours? You know the one who seems to think that you're prime rib and I'm a lone pea, hidden underneath a discarded bone. 

Jensen to Jared 

…worst metaphor ever. And wait. Wait. That's next week!

Jensen to Jared 

Oh my god. It really is tonight! Why didn't you say anything?

Jared to Jensen 

I was in Colorado on a school trip. I've been busy. I also thought that my neurotic husband would be on top of things. 

Jensen to Jared

I'm dealing with a class action lawsuit right now. The only thing I'm on top of is my desk.

Jared to Jensen

Oooh, can I join you?

Jensen to Jared 

What you need to do is disinvite Chad and anyone else who could potentially make us look bad. 

Jared to Jensen

Already covered. 

Jensen to Jared

What did you have to bribe him with?

Jared to Jensen 

…weirdly enough, I'm now the assistant coach of the Pee-wee hockey team his cousin joined. 

Jensen to Jared 

I just laughed so hard that Alona checked to see if I needed medical attention. Oh man. Sometimes I love Chad. 

Jared to Jensen

He has sex on our couch when we went to New York. 

Jensen to Jared 

Yeah, you're right. I still hate him. 

Jared to Jensen

Anyway, I know you're busy but it's a Saturday. If you leave me to do all of the work, we'll probably end up feeding everyone from a KFC bucket. 

Jensen to Mom

You helped him with recipes?

Mom to Jensen

Yes?

Jensen to Mom

Now we can't just take my client out to a restaurant like normal people. If we end up poisoning the guy and his wife, I'm blaming you.

Mom to Jensen 

Well...At least you'll be able to defend yourself in court, son. 

Jensen to Jared 

Email me our menu.

Jared to Jensen

Why? So you can find a place that makes the same thing in case it goes horribly wrong?

Jensen to Jared

No. But that's actually a good idea. 

Jared to Jensen

Done. I figure we can do prep when you get back. I've done some but we need to season the chicken and leave it in the fridge overnight. 

Jensen to Jared

…I hate my life. 

Jared to Jensen

Of course you do. 

~

Jensen to Sandy

I'd like to apologize for all the times we mocked you for making shitty food. Cooking for multiple people is hard. I mean, I have no idea how to SEASON anything. 

Sandy to Jensen

Neither do I according to you.

Jensen to Sandy

We've already established the fact that I'm an asshole. 

Sandy to Jensen

If we hadn't, the fact that you said 'shitty food' would have done the trick. 

Jensen to Sandy

My bad. Anyway, so…we might need your help?

Sandy to Jensen

I wish I could but I'm busy doing nothing. :P

Jensen to Sandy 

:(

~

Jensen to Jared 

So…we should always ask about nut and fish allergies

Jared to Jensen 

ALL ALLERGIES

Jensen to Jared

Thank God that we have a doctor living up the street. 

Jared to Jensen

FYI, I'm never doing a dinner party again. 

Jensen to Jared 

…what about the one you rescheduled with our friends?

Jared to Jensen 

We can just take them to Chipotle.

Jensen to Jared 

You're joking, right? We'd never live it down. Even Chad can serve us his weird tacos. We need to be able to cook one meal without accidentally poisoning anyone. 

Jared to Jensen 

…frozen pizza?

Jensen to Jared 

Sometimes I wonder what shady practises that you're teaching your students. 

Jared to Jensen

Hey, I'm an English teacher. I'm all about interpretation. 

Jensen to Jared 

Uh-huh. Just Google easy recipes and pick one. If my mother asks - everything we made was fine. That recipe she gave us was more fucking complicated than watching Lost.

Jared to Jensen

How did I not know that you were someone who didn't appreciate Lost?

Jensen to Jared 

I don't make a habit of talking about confusing TV shows. 

Jared to Jensen 

…no…you just like watching sweaty guys driving around in circles. Repeatedly. 

Jensen to Jared 

Like sweaty men kicking a ball into a net is any better!

Jared to Jensen 

Look, how about we just jazz up the simplest thing that we know how to make. 

Jensen to Jared

Ramen noodle special?

Jared to Jensen 

We kind of suck at adulting. 

Jensen to Jared 

No arguments here. I gotta go check on my former prospective client and make sure that we didn't do any permanent damage. 

Jared to Jensen 

Good luck! 

~

Jared to Group

Guys, we have to reschedule dinner again this weekend. Sorry!

Katie to Jared 

No problem. Some idiot I do work for is having a fancy dress party. 

Jared to Katie

That's awesome. 

Katie to Jared 

Yeah…not the word I'd use but you would like it. You're…you.

Jared to Katie

I'm going to take that as a compliment

Katie to Jared 

You do that.

Chad to Jared 

Ha, you guys totally failed at your dinner party didn't you? You should have called The Chad!

Jared to Chad

Oh, really, you can cook? Your questionable tacos aside. 

Chad to Jared 

I lived with my dad for years and he basically taught me. So yeah. Not sure what happened to you and Jensen. What do you guys live on??

Jared to Chad

His mom's food? Seriously, we're there for dinner ALL THE TIME. 

Chad to Jared 

Aren't his parents getting divorced? That just sounds awkward

Jared to Chad

You don't even know. I feel bad for feeling bad but I'm at the point where I'm like, this is not my drama to deal with

Chad to Jared

Oh, really? So she cooks for you but her drama isn't your drama?

Jared to Chad

When you put it like that it sounds bad.

Chad to Jared 

…yeah, yeah. I need to see a man about a horse. I'll catch you later. 

Jared to Chad.

You're a weirdo, anyone ever tell you that?

Chad to Jared

I hear that it's an attractive quality. 

Jared to Chad

The voices in your head are getting worse

Chad to Jared 

Ouch!

~

Jensen to Jared 

You know what, we can do this. We can teach ourselves how to make a three course meal. 

Jared to Jensen

When? I kinda have this book series that I wanted to go through. 

Jensen to Jared 

Twilight or Vampire Academy can wait

Jared to Jensen

Hey, the VA books aren't bad. Rose is pretty cool.

Jensen to Jared 

You can talk nerdy to me later. Meet me at the grocery store. 

Jared to Alona

Bad day at work?

Alona to Jared 

Oh…so Jensen is still in his neurotic mood?

Jared to Alona.

Yup. And I just spent the day with sullen teens. I could do without the overgrown manchild who wants us to smoke a fucking fish at 9pm

Alona to Jared

Do I need to call the fire department?

Jared to Alona

No. I'll deal with this.

Alona to Jared 

Don't leave any visible marks, it makes it very awkward for us here at the office. :P

Jared to Alona

I hate you. 

Alona to Jared 

Love you too!

~

Sandy to Jared 

Wait, you cancelled your dinner party?

Jared to Sandy

Uh…no. It's just postponed.

Sandy to Jared 

Ha. At least I can put together a shitty meal. There's two of you and you can't throw together some soup and grill chicken?

Jared to Sandy

We're the worst. We know. How about this. You help us run point and we can do a dinner party together?

Sandy to Jared

What's in it for me?

Jared to Sandy

Bragging rights? 

Sandy to Jared 

I'll take it. 

~

Jensen to Jared 

So, we and Sandy are going to have a dinner party? 

Jared to Jensen 

What have I done?

Jensen to Jared

You've started the dinnerpocalypse. 

Jared to Jensen

We had a good run. It was nice being kitchen incompetent with you. 

Jensen to Jared

You too, buddy, you too!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ran out of ideas halfway through this...hopefully it doesn't suck too badly, lol!

Jared to Jensen

One more day and this hell is over. 

Jensen to Jared

Uhm, sorry? In my defense, I wasn’t expecting the 33 emails and several multi-colored post-it notes to be part of Sandy’s planning. 

Jared to Jensen

Oh, really?

Jensen to Jared

Yes. No one does that much planning just to end up with bad end results. 

Jared to Jensen

I’m telling her that you said that!

Jensen to Jared

Please don’t. She’s going to have full access to our wooden spoons tomorrow. I’d rather not get spanked. Unless you’re offering?

Jared to Jensen

Clean it up. Oh, and I’ve checked with Alona. You have no pesky, little Saturday meetings to run off to this time. 

Jensen to Alona

Traitor. 

Alona to Jensen

Sorry, boss, I’ve always liked Jared better than you. 

Jensen to Danneel

Can you remind Alona that she only got her job because she’s your cousin.

Danneel to Alona

Stop annoying Jensen, I don’t have time for any man-bitching today. 

Alona to Danneel

Yes you do!

Danneel to Alona

That’s besides the point. I’m trying to do some cleansing yoga in preparation for their dinner party.

Alona to Danneel

Good luck. They almost killed a prospective client last time. 

Danneel to Alona

Fuck. Well. I might switch out the cleansing yoga for vodka. 

Alona to Danneel

It’s midday, D. MIDDAY. 

Danneel to Alona

Russians drink vodka with the breakfast! So. Y’know, midday isn’t bad.

Alona to Danneel

Yeah….like you know anything about Russia!

Danneel to Alona

I’m American. That alone makes me an expert on Russia. 

Alona to Danneel 

LOL. You’re crazy but I kind of like it. I’m still going to text your mom about the vodka, tho. 

Danneel to Jensen

Dinner party planning going well?

Jensen to Danneel

Swimmingly. Sandy is in her element. 

Danneel to Sandy

Did you say you emailed Jensen 33 times? Haha, he’s totally bitching about it. 

Sandy to Danneel

Good. I sent him three more about seasoning. I still remember him complaining bitterly about my lamb rack being underseasoned. 

Danneel to Sandy

Oh, yeah, that was an infamous night. Chad wouldn’t stop making rack jokes. You and Jensen got into the weirdest non-argument I’ve ever witnessed and Jared tried to make us sing ABBA songs. Good times. 

Sandy to Danneel

LOL, well, it’s been fun pestering him about what needs to be done. 

Danneel to Sandy

So, what happens if they end up making a great dinner that - no offense - doesn’t taste like crap?

Sandy to Danneel

Like that’ll happen! 

~

Danneel to Katie

Bish, where are you? Please don’t tell me that you’re going to miss the dinner party of the year!

Katie to Danneel

Sorry, I’ve already told Jared that I can’t come. I’m sick. 

Danneel to Katie

Sick with what? Aintgottimeforthisitis?

Katie to Danneel

I have no idea what you’re talking about! Keep me posted! :)

Danneel to Katie

You’re already missing the tense stare-off between Sandy and Jensen. I think he’s going to lose it the next time she tells him to add more salt. 

Katie to Danneel

What are they even making?

Danneel to Katie

I have no idea. 

Jared to Danneel

So, you’re close with Sandy, right? Did she say anything about maybe getting her own back for all of the uh, criticism, Jensen gives her on her dinner parties?

Danneel to Jared

Dude, you’re better off asking Chad. Sandy knows that I’d go straight to Jensen with that kind of info. 

Jared to Danneel

Whatever happened to hoes before bros?

Danneel to Jared

Hey, man, I make my own rules. Also, why are you texting me from the kitchen. I’m literally less than thirty seconds away. 

Jared to Chad

So is Sandy trying to sabatoge us?

Chad to Jared

Really? You waited until the day to ask me this? I’m saying nothing, but...maybe tell Jensen to ease up on the salt. 

Jared to Chad

Is that why she keeps telling him to add salt? Seriously, she’s a psychologist. She should know better than that. 

Chad to Jared

Revenge makes people petty. And stupid. 

Jared to Chad

True, that. Luckily Jensen’s one of those people whose idea of seasoning is offensive to most of us. 

Chad to Jared

Oh, I’d like to see you say that to his face. 

Jared to Chad

Ha. Where are you anyway?

Chad to Jared

En route. With my date. 

Jared to Chad

You’re bringing a date? You should probably apologise to her in advance. 

Chad to Jared

No need, it’s just Lauren. 

Jared to Chad

Uh. Please tell me that you haven’t forgotten that she basically hates you. 

Chad to Jared

I haven’t, but I ran into her and mentioned the dinner party and she really wanted to see if Jensen could cook. 

Jared to Chad

His mother is a chef, people should assume that he can! 

Chad to Jared

Yeah...because that line of thinking worked out well for Jaden Smith’s career. 

Jared to Chad

I hate it when you make sense.

Chad to Jared

LOL. See you in five, bro. 

~

Chad to Katie

You are missing the best-worst thing I’ve ever been too. 

Katie to Chad

What? What? What’s happening? Did the food suck? Was there a food fight?

Chad to Katie

Our entree wasn’t bad. Danneel was like, ‘Oh, I’m surprised!’ and Sandy basically said that Jared made the entree. So then we moved onto the main, and it was awful. Just awful. Lauren - I brought her - basically criticised it for ten mins straight, and then, Jensen was like, if you don’t like it don’t eat it. Sandy helpfully pointed out that he made most of it and all hell broke loose. 

Katie to Chad

LMAO. Are they arguing?

Chad to Katie

A drink was thrown. 

Danneel to Katie

I’m taping this so that you can watch it all later. This is better than the Real Housewives. 

Katie to Danneel

I might just come over for dessert. 

Danneel to Katie

Oh, no, no, no. We all tried to excuse ourselves and Jensen was like, ‘no one is going anywhere’ and then Sandy threw her wine and we all decided to enjoy the show. But seriously. Save yourself. 

Jared to Katie

You know, it just occurred to me that it would have been much better to have YOU run point. You plan these things!

Katie to Jared

Ah, well...you know what they say about hindsight. LOL. 

Chad to Jared

So, not that I don’t LOVE this drama but shouldn’t you say something?

Jared to Chad

What’s the point? Sandy’s going to bitch at me anyway and Jensen’s going to be crabby for the next three days. I’m just going to sit here and look pretty. 

Chad to Jared

Who made dessert?

Jared to Chad

It was a joint effort. But I get the sense that Sandy is going to criticise it anyway. 

Chad to Jared

Yup. Lauren and I are currently playing a ‘How many times can she say bland’ drinking game. We’re on eight. 

Jared to Chad

*facepalm*

Chad to Katie

So, I think we can officially say that we’ve reached food fight territory. If Jensen wasn’t gay and Sandy wasn’t scarily protective over her cooking abilities, I’d think this was foreplay. 

Katie to Chad

LMAO. Who threw what?

Chad to Katie 

Lauren is now wearing most of Sandy’s tiramisu (which is actually pretty good). 

Katie to Chad

That girl is a terrible shot. 

Aldis to Alona

How’s dinner going? Do any of y’all need a get out of jail free card?

Alona to Aldis

…..this is the most fucked up dinner party I’ve ever been to. I think Jensen needs that card. 

Aldis to Alona

Take pictures. No take video, I want to see this!

Alona to Aldis

You really don’t. I don’t even know why I’m here. Why aren’t you here?

Aldis to Alona

The wife didn’t want to get food poisoning. In fact, I’m surprised that any of you attended at all. Like, at least wait until two months have passed before you dare to eat food cooked by the two schmucks that poisoned someone. 

Alona to Aldis

Hey, it was an accident. And, if I recall, Jared charmed the wife into agreeing to sign on with you guys anyway. 

Aldis to Alona 

Fair enough. I’m guessing that he’s going to have to smooth things over after tonight too. 

Alona to Aldis

We should probably buy him a fruit basket one of these days.

Katie to Danneel, Chad, Alona, Jared

??? I’m bored out of my mind here. What’s happening?

Chad to Katie

Well, after we ALL ended up wearing dessert, Jensen got really angry and he and Sandy ended up having a huge shouting match. At first it was hilarious and then it turned into Sandy having a thing for Jared, and then she was like, ‘things would have been different if you hadn’t come into the picture’?

Katie to Chad

OMG, NO! SHE MUST BE OVER THAT?

Chad to Katie

I think she is, she’s just had one too many Chardonays. Anyway, Lauren made all of us leave and wait out front while they argue. But! I was like, ‘hey someone needs to check on Ninja’ and I eavesdropped. 

Katie to Chad

And????

Chad to Katie

I think for whatever reason Jensen’s also got some issue with the fact that Jared apparentlu drops everything wheneber Sandy needs help. I dunno. Maybe this is just one huge messed up understanding.

Katie to Chad

Or jealous bitches being jealous.

Chad to Katie

Yes, much much better way of phrasing it. 

Katie to Chad

Jared does drop everything, though. But for all of us. 

Chad to Katie

Heck, he picked me up last month when that girl I was seeing stole my car. 

Katie to Chad

He should have left you to rot on the curb. We ALL warned you about her. 

Chad to Katie

:(

Katie to Chad

Oh, Jared’s calling me. I’ll talk to you later!

~

Jensen to Jared

Ugh. I am so sorry about last night. I didn’t mean half of what I said. 

Jared to Jensen

Yes, you did. 

Jensen to Jared

Okay, fine, I did. But, I know that Sandy isn’t coming between us or whatever. I guess part of me was just jealous of how close you guys are. 

Jared to Jensen

But, why?

Jensen to Jared

‘Cause she had a thing for you once. It’s stupid, I know, but she kept begging you to help her with her parties and just, I thought that maybe you were into that kind of thing and annoyed that work means we can’t always invite people over. 

Jared to Jensen

That’s crazy. But, I get it, sort of. You still need to apologize to her, though. 

Jensen to Jared

Already done. She and I are going to lunch today to sort things out. 

Jared to Jensen 

Will you need a referee this time? I think my voice is still hoarse from last night. 

Jensen to Jared

...which part of last night?

Jared to Jensen

Oh, don’t do that. I should have banished your ass to the couch. 

Jensen to Jared

I know. I’m sorry. 

Jared to Jensen

I’m not your possession, or someone who does whatever you feel is right. Even if I do help my friends, I have every right to. Just so that we’re clear. 

Jensen to Jared

Crystal clear. 

Jensen to Danneel

Okay, now I feel like an ass. 

Danneel to Jensen 

You’re a lost cause and I’m team Jared so find someone else to bitch to!

Danneel to Jensen

That was mean. I’m sorry. Spill. 

Jensen to Danneel

So...I said what I said. 

Danneel to Jensen

But you didn’t mean it right? You’re not jealous of Sandy. I mean, she can’t cook, she doesn’t have an awesome husband and she’s not one of the top lawyers in the state.

Jensen to Danneel

I’m not one of the top lawyers in the state.

Danneel to Jensen

I know, I just said it to make you feel better. But you know, at least we all know why you’re always so judgey over her shitty dinner parties. And now you’ve gotten a taste of your own medicine. 

Jensen to Danneel

I’m an idiot. 

Danneel to Jensen

No arguments here, babe. 

~

Jared to Sandy 

How was lunch?

Sandy to Jared

Good. Seeing Jensen eat humble pie was the best. THE BEST. 

Jared to Sandy

Did you apologize too?

Sandy to Jared

Yes. But I don’t see why I needed to. 

Jared to Sandy

I’d hate to be the psychologist of another psychologist. You basically caused that situation. I might be telling Jensen that it’s crazy that he was jealous but...you did what you always do when yet another relationship fails. You come to me and start taking us down memory lane. And I don’t mind that, but when you do it in front of Jensen, it’s an issue. 

~

Chad to Jared

So, are you and Sandy talking again yet?

Jared to Chad

Nope. I think she’s angry with me for saying what I did. 

Chad to Jared

Oh, boy. See, this is why I don’t like to settle down. 

Jared to Chad

I don’t think that’s a choice on your part, Chad. 

Chad to Jared

-.-

Jared to Chad

Anyway, what’s your take on this? 

Chad to Jared

I’m neutral. If I wasn’t, I’d say that maybe you’re not 100% innocent. Maybe Sandy just needed a friend but he didn’t realise that she needed him, and not him and his other half. And maybe this friend could have put a pin in the constant complaining after the 3rd dinner party. 

Jared to Chad

We ALL complain!

Chad to Jared

Yeah, but it’s ribbing. We’ve known each other for years, and we don’t mean anything by it. Jensen might be a part of the group now, but he’s not an original member of the team. There’s a fine line between teasing someone and going too far. You guys went through a lot of effort to put everything together. Imagine doing that and getting a barrage of criticism each time? It’s a lot. 

Jared to Chad

I really hate it when you’re the voice of reason. Dammit. 

Chad to Jared

You’re welcome. 

Jared to Jensen

So, you apologized for being a dick at the vast majority of her dinner parties, right?

Jensen to Jared

Yes, as painful as it was to admit that I was in the wrong, I did. Sandy’s my friend too and I hate that I made her feel that way. 

Jared to Jensen

Aww. I need to apologise to her to, I think. Amazingly enough, Chad is the voce of reason. 

Jensen to Jared

Good luck! 

Jared to Jensen

Thanks. Love you.

Jensen to Jared

Love you too

~

Sandy to Jared

So, I stewed over what you said and you’re right. I’m sorry for constantly dumping my shit on you. 

Jared to Sandy

You don’t need to be sorry, just honest. If something’s bothering you, just be straight with me. And I’m sorry for not having your back at all of the other dinner parties. I guess I didn’t realise how critical Jensen was being. 

Sandy to Jared

Were you not AT these parties??

Jared to Sandy

I suffer from head in the clouds syndrome?

Sandy to Jared

Otherwise known as Conflict Avoidance. 

Jared to Sandy

I’m really sorry. 

Sandy to Jared

Apology accepted. I can’t believe that I basically threw food all over Jensen. Seriously. Never leave me with an unattended bottle of wine!

Jared to Sandy

It was pretty fucking hilarious, though. Alona sent me the pics. I’m thinking of framing one. 

Sandy to Jared

….I don’t know if you’re being lewd or serious but please don’t. 

Jared to Sandy

LOL. Look, how about you come over for dinner sometime this week? Nothing as fancy as a huge dinner party. Just regular dinner. 

Sandy to Jared

I’d love that :)

~

Jared to Jensen

….so judging by the angry texts, I take it that Alona sent you the pictures too?

Jensen to Jared

She sent it to my mom too. And told my mom about both dinner parties. 

Jared to Jensen

Uh-oh. 

Jensen to Jared

Expect more impromptu cooking lessons. Ugh. 

Jared to Jensen

Usually I’d complain, but I think we kind of need them. We really suck at cooking. 

Jensen to Jared

Not as much as my mom sucks at teaching. 

Jared to Jensen 

LOL. Fine, we’ll learn together then. How does that sound?

Jensen to Jared

It sounds perfect. We probably should have done that in the first place. 

Jared to Jensen

And miss out on that spectacular one-sided food fight that you and Sandy had? No way. 

Jensen to Jared

The video is even worse than having all of that shit thrown on me. Remind me why I’m not allowed to be mad at her?

Jared to Jensen

...because you were kind of douchey? Now you’re even. Or well, just pretend that you are. We’ve spent way too much arguing about dinner. 

Jensen to Jared

Tell me about it. Is this a bad time to mention that we’re supposed to be doing dinner with my parents today?

Jared to Jensen

Oh gosh. 

Jensen to Jared

Yeah. and now that she knows about both of our disastrous dinner parties, we’re probably going to be in for dinnerpocalypse 2. 

Jared to Jensen

I think I’d rather go back to watching Sandy throw tiramisu and drunkenly call you Jason. 

Jensen to Jared

She did that? 

Jared to Jensen

Yeah, and then you called her Mandy. 

Jensen to Jared

It’s a good thing that you didn’t marry me because of my clever, snappy comebacks. LOL.. 

Jared to Jensen

It really is! But we can work on that too :P


End file.
